CHRIST FIRST
Happily ever after?
In this section, we bring you real stories from the lives of believers regarding the choices they made and how they impacted their life and ministry. We also bring you reflections from believers on their learnings along this journey. The names of these believers are changed to protect their identity.
IMPACT OF MARRIAGE DECISIONS
INTO HIS ABLE HANDS
Being the only believer in the family, I had to face a lot of challenges regarding the decision about my marriage. I was also afraid.......
Namitha Vincent
Kerala, India
STIFF OPPOSITION
From my college days, I had been very zealous for the Lord and was determined that I would marry only a believer who was......
Pari Benjammin
Tamil Nadu, India
WAITING ON THE LORD
I hail from a traditional Christian background and came to know God personally during my college days. I was the first from my family .......
Priya Mathew
Kerala, India
LEARNINGS FROM MARRIAGE
Into His able hands
Namitha Vincent, Kerala, India
Being the only believer in the family, I had to face a lot of challenges regarding the decision about my marriage. I was also afraid that my parents would force me to get married to someone whom they found. I was praying desperately about it. Since I was in ministry, I wanted to marry someone who is doing God’s work. But the Lord had greater plans! I understood that I had to surrender all my plans and desires and be willing to do what God wants me to do. It is God's grace that helped me to say yes to His guidance to marry my husband. He was doing ministry along with his secular job and later we decided together to serve God full-time in missions. I am so glad that I obeyed the Lord even though I didn't understand everything about His ways. Praise be to the Lord!
In the midst of stiff Opposition
Pari Benjammin, Tamil Nadu, India
From my college days, I had been very zealous for the Lord and was determined that I would marry only a believer who was Kingdom-minded. I hail from a Syrian Christian family and was the first in my family to turn to the Lord.
Since my family did not share the same beliefs as I did, they naturally did not understand my stand regarding marriage. Meetings after meetings were arranged with prospective grooms and I would reject all of them because I did not find anyone who was seeking the Lord truly. It was getting tiresome for me (and my family too) to be seeing too many people but my parents were adamant to get me married especially after my strong stand. Sick of attending many such meetings and not making any headway, I told my parents that I would prefer to remain single and serve the Lord as a missionary than to put my head in any wrong alliance. Obviously, this did not go too well with them.
My relatives started calling me trying to get me to change my stand. Meetings with prospective grooms continued to be arranged. My Parents were getting desperate. They resorted to beating me because they thought I became possessed by demons and that is why I’m behaving this way. They also took me to a Psychiatrist and planned to hypnotise me to understand what was going on in my mind.
When matters got worse and I was still not changing my stand, they disowned me and threw me out of the house. At this point, I faced an attack from the devil directly. I was standing by the side of the road and there was this force coming like a heavy wind blowing at me strongly. I felt I needed to catch a pillar or post so that I don’t fall down. This episode got me fearful and made me doubt whether I was on the right track doing the correct thing. It led to my downfall spiritually. I feel very sad to say that in spite of all the stand that the Lord helped me to take, I couldn’t withstand the pressure any further and succumbed to it. I got married out of God’s will.
Problems only got worse after that and I now had two families who could not understand what I was up to. From going to church every Sunday to keeping the Lord’s Day holy, to living a set-apart life, I was met with stiff resistance. I wept and cried to the Lord, pleading with him to forgive me for marrying outside His will. It is very difficult for my husband and me to find common ground because our thought processes are poles apart. In short, despite their best intentions for me, my family was the biggest hindrance for me to get married in God’s will.
Dear Reader, if you are considering marriage, I urge that you do not fall into the same trap as I ended up in the trap of the devil, which causes you to lose your effectiveness in Ministry. Seek God’s will in this matter and prayerfully persist till the very end.
Waiting on the Lord
Priya Mathew, Kerala, India
I hail from a traditional Christian background and came to know God personally during my college days. I was the first from my family to do so. Little did I know that this would bring challenges later in my life, but God was faithful. Later, after many years of prayers, my sister and mother followed my path and were saved.
When I understood it was time for me to find a partner, I shared it with my mentors. They prompted me to write a testimony of my life and the qualities I am looking for in the partner. My testimony included the personal and social struggles I faced while following Christ. Personally, I lacked clarity on how to make sense of my faith in these modern times and be an effective Christian for God’s Kingdom. Socially, it was tiresome to share the relevance of Christ to my family and my immediate social circle. I realised the only way forward is to lean more on God. However, it was difficult for me to convince my father of the reasons why I am looking for a partner who had a passion for Christ and was ministry oriented. Post writing the testimony I was troubled with the idea if I am being too demanding. I was also ridiculed for being too specific while searching for a partner, even from people who shared my same faith. By God’s grace, I was able to find a person who shared the same burden for souls. We exchanged our profiles and to our amazement, we were both looking for the same things. We were convinced that God had brought us together.
My father was not convinced about the alliance, as his set of criteria was different. There were hardships during the marriage as well, but God was faithful again. Through this ordeal, I can only say that each experience in my life was aimed at transforming me to be more reflective of Jesus Christ. Everything that happens in God’s will taught me to rely on him more and not on my understanding. The more we humble ourselves to God’s will, the more he can uplift us in His time.
Being unequally yoked
Gilda George, Kerala, India
During my college days, God brought me into a deeper relation with Him. He helped me to grow in the knowledge of His Word and helped me to be part of a wonderful church. During those days, my greatest desire was to share the Word of God with others and let everyone know about what Jesus did for us and how much He loves us. I had seen a couple of marriages happening in our church, the prayers that used to be behind those weddings and always wanted the same for myself. I was also aware that God doesn’t want me to be unequally yoked with unbelievers.
Coming from a traditional Christian family, my parents could not accept what I had to say about my faith and felt that people had brainwashed me. My family tried to convince me that my beliefs were wrong and resorted to beatings when they realised that there was no use talking. They tried taking me to Catholic Retreat Centre thinking that I would come to my senses, let other elderly people advice me and also tried to scare me out of this faith saying that my father would get heart attacks because of me and I would be responsible if something were to happen to him. When God opens your eyes, you cannot go back to your old ways of thinking and just let go of the truth He has shown you.
All these passed by and it was time when they started looking for a groom. I had decided I would marry only a believer but my parents were not willing to search for one.
I resorted to telling the grooms personally when I met them about my faith whereby they would reject the proposal. My parents were not aware of what I was doing; I ended up marrying the person who said he doesn’t mind me following my faith and that I would have the freedom to attend the church I wished to. Though this is not what I wanted, I thought this would be the best I could get.
Yes, my husband did keep his word and I was able to go to a church and follow my faith. However, I still had to go to the traditional churches when I was with his family. I faced a lot of challenges while my kids were small - I wanted them to grow up knowing Jesus, wanted them to attend my church. Initially, I didn’t take them to church because I knew they would tell the parents innocently when they were asked about the church they went to. I didn’t want to teach them to tell lies so I didn’t take them to church.
Though my husband allowed me to go to the church I chose, he doesn’t want me to spend more time on things of God. He had issues with me tithing and every fight that we have, ultimately boils down to the statement that for me, nothing else in this world is more important than things of God. We have different priorities in life; it is hard raising up kids in an environment where you want them to put God and His things on priority whereas your husband wants everything else to be on priority but God. It is extremely hard when you have compromised and your families are not aware of your faith. You feel forced to do things which you know are not right but cannot refuse because you need to please the parents. I could not say 'No' to my kids' baptisms even though I knew that there was no point baptising a child. I want my kids to take water baptism when they know what it means.
It is hard to take a stand but God definitely backs you up if you would. My cousin went through the same challenges I had but she took her stand and got married to a believer and she continues in her faith.
I compromised at the time of my marriage and I am still struggling with disclosing my faith to my family. It is not easy to continue in faith with all these challenges and you cannot just throw this away and be your old self again. You feel that you are tied up and want to break loose. Every issue that you are faced with - both you and your husband will have a different view and you will be forced to follow his viewpoint in order to keep your marriage. I know I cannot force my husband to get saved and I am praying that God opens his eyes some day. And until then, I pray for God's mercy to help me to hold on to Him.
Christ at the center
Relly Koshy
Youth Worker, Bangalore, India
We all enter into marriage with plans to love our spouse unconditionally. The world around us emphasises that the key to a happy marriage lies in finding THE perfect partner. After entering into wedlock with these presumptions, soon the reality of life strikes with unfinished tasks and unfulfilled commitments. To truly love and cherish your spouse, Jesus Christ should be the centre of your married life.
Marriage is considered a relationship where only two people are involved. We keep our spouse at the centre of our lives; it often leads to disaster and broken expectations. Ecclesiastes 4:12 says, “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Jesus is the force that will help us to love and cleave to our spouse. Only God’s love can strengthen our relationship with each other.
According to Gary Chapman in the book Sacred Marriage, the real purpose of marriage may not be about happiness as much as it is holiness. It is our duty as believers to honour God and give Him the rightful place in our marriage.
As I look back, there were many points in our marriage where we unintentionally moved away from God with the business of our schedules, work pressures and other commitments. But God in His graciousness reminded us through soft voices and eventually with loud voices calling our attention back to him. We should never be too far or too late to return to him, our Redeemer.
Here are some tips to keep Jesus as the centre of our marriage: -
-
Commit to spiritual disciplines together. Spend time together reading and learning the Word of God. Every decision you make as a family, ask for guidance and commit it before the Lord.
-
Learn from other couples in your church who have Christ as the centre of their marriage and invite them to be a part of your lives.
-
Commit to keeping love as the basis of every interaction with each other. (Romans 12:10)
-
Work as a team in accomplishing goals, encouraging each other and above all in honouring God.
When God is at the centre of our marriage, he will be our refuge and strength in times of trouble. We can rest in the unfailing love of God as we move ahead together through different life stages.
Overcoming Ego
Sharanya Caleb
Teacher, Vancuover, Canada
Philippians 2:3-4 (ESV) “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his interests but also to the interests of others.”
When we decided to obey God in entering the covenant of holy matrimony almost a decade ago, little did we realize that we were binding together two independent and strong-willed individuals, both with highly flammable personalities.
As one can imagine, we’ve been through many emotional fires ignited by our egos. From whose ideas for the weekend should be executed to where to go for a vacation or how to manage finances; pride reared its ugly head; even the most basic and innocent conversation would turn into a battleground from which both of us would retreat wounded.
In our hearts, we both recognized that we needed God and needed to put His love first. But who would make the first move? One day, while flipping through the pictures of our wedding photo album, I came across the photo where the pastor was preaching the sermon at our wedding and the scripture he had based the message on popped into my mind. It was Ecclesiastes 4:12 “And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him-a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” And the Holy Spirit was ministering to me about how God needs to be at the centre of our marriage, for only with Him are we a three-fold cord that cannot be easily broken. It was time to invite God back into our relationship and let Him have His way with our hearts and our minds. I quickly asked God to forgive my selfishness and for trying to get my way or have the last word.
That day I decided that I would put my husband first, count his ideas as the better one for us and submit to him. My flesh said I was taking a risk and humiliating myself. But the Spirit of God reminded me that Jesus humbled himself to die for me, so I should humble myself for the sake of our marriage.
It turned out that when I could obey God’s voice and be more mindful of my husband’s feelings, I would receive much more love and attention from him than if I tried to have it my way. He reciprocated by often checking in with me before making plans and always sought my opinions for decisions that concerned both of us. Consciously letting down our ego each time brought us healing and strengthened our marriage.
Submission
Zachariah Chandy
Pastor, Montreal, Canada
A marriage between two believers is described by Paul as mysterious and profound (Eph 5:32) because it points towards the love that Christ had for His Church. Just as the Church submits to Christ as her Lord, wives must submit to their husbands (Eph 5:22, Col 3:18). Similarly, husbands ought to be prepared to lay down their lives for their wives, as Christ did (Eph 5:25).
We strive to display this profound love that Christ had for us (as husband and wife) in our marriage. We recognize our roles that the husband leads and the wife follows. It does not make one role superior to the other; it organically allows our marriage to function as God designed it.
Submission, therefore, is mutual. I cannot lead without first washing my wife’s feet (Jn 13) and preparing her unblemished before God. My wife cannot follow unless she loves the One who saved her of her sins and first submits to Christ as Lord and Saviour.
​